Monday, May 3, 2010

TAR, and Drinks. Oh how there were drinks...


Milestone time.
This is in fact my 15th post.
Suck it Trebeck.

The Monday before TAR I had no real intentions of going. I was invited by Travis and "his Missus" to go a way a back when he found out, but wasn't ever just committed to leaving work behind. On said Monday, my lady broke up with me and I was sad. So sad that I decided to ride in a car for a total of 12 hours. St. Louis. Land of the GD cardinals fan... Just a sea of red. For most of the weekend the closest we saw to a cubs fan was the ugly blue hat that Travis was wearing along with the hat Travis was making Ed wear. MC Hammer tweets way too much. I didn't take but one picture, of one person, that didn't even make a serious face, so i will not be posting my 'reels' of film.. I stole some. In the best chronological order to my 512 braincells I have remaining..This would be a picture of us arriving. Everyone is smiling but me. I think its because my hat was so tight or my head was so big. Oorrrrr, I felt silly meeting everyone in gray holy shorts and a stretched out white t shirt. Nigs was at the door waiting on us. FLASH! "who are you?" FLASH!
We gots Me, (hey, I put a conversation starting shirt on that really just reminded me that I was dumped and yes, that is scotch in my hand) Coffeypot (Just walking with his GD SEC hat) Travis (looking at his wife who is singing what I can only tell to be a Motown song, maybe Smokey Robinson) His Missus (singing what I can only tell to be a Motown song, maybe The Isley Brothers, it looks like she's snapping ) and the photographer's 24 year old sister, Barb (I bet she thinks His Missus is singing some Choker Campbell and His 16 piece band. We are headed for the Hard Rock.Yes, that is a Long Island Ice Tea in front of me. Yes I think its my 3rd. Yes I can dance better than you. Yes I am sweating for no reason. Hell, t was the Hard Rock. I had a club sandwich...Now, Bambi, the 25 year old photographing older sister, used this as an example of the heavy rain that came down upon us... I still say it's just sweat. Hang loose. MMMmmmMMMmm Stella. STELLAAAA!Look who finally put down the camera.. Look who finally showed.. Look who can't really see who's taking the picture..Look at Ed just wishing I would stop yelling..

I yell some more and the night fades into nothing. The sisters leave and I Drunk text..

So i wake up after a well rested night and go find out what The Druery Inn has for breakfast. Then find out its time for the arch. We hit that up, then run a muck around the mall babbling about what and where to eat for way longer than we should have. I thought we were gonna have a couple people fall out. My ribs were good, but what a horrible place atmosphere wise. There wasn't a smile in the place. If it wasn't for us, I'm sure someone would have offed themselves. More than likely the bartender. From there, we bought Liquor and Beer from a shop in the Mall (oh yeah) and headed back for some Vacation R&R (meaning everyone wanted a nap.)

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with me. Honestly, I just want to here Travis make one more Jersey Shore Joke. C'mon man, You gotta get pictures of all the chicks that came down.......... just dudes in a hot tub.. I never went swimming with him again.

I sure as hell drank with him again. Ladies and Gentlemen, The OH Shit! Jager and 151.
After 4 shots of Jager, one oh shit, 2 151 shots, and 4 beers, I was ready for a night on the town. That Jeff cat is a cool son of a bitch. I asked Shayna (desk lady at the Druery) where the spots were, she has yet to tell me. She looked me straight in the face and told me she's not big on the "popped collar" scene. She must have thought I was with the (you ready?) Jersey Shore bachelor party. Ooor she doesn't like talking to fat guys. I get it. Really..
There's Coffey, Posin' like a Posta. I'm drinkin like I'm sposta.. Its almost cut off time, it looks like I have a lazy eye starting up. It was a nice night, but once again, we chose the wrong place to sit down. They made us buy appetizers, or they wouldn't serve us at all. Then started chaining up chairs to tables so no one else could sit down while a 54 year old bald guy did Bob Marley covers inside. I can talk shit, but I was singing "No Woman, No Cry" when he started it up. Good Calamari, bad Mary...

So, the next morning we tried to catch the Brewery tour and ended up there too early.

I'm still sleepy and I'm not drinking for months..

It took me like 2 hours to do this shiz.. I am now 12 minutes past Memoir Monday. I guess it is now tell me about what happened last weekend Tuesday. Yeah that's right. TMAWHLWT.

I keep it real.

MC Hammer is still tweeting like a mad man..

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Reblog Wednesday

I've got some new followers so I thought just incase you didnt look at one of my past 6 blogs that you might enjoy reading this. I don't know what happen to the pictures so you might just have to go check those out on my Sept. 9th post. Annnnnnd we're off..

Blogger world! I shot a 102 at Porter Peach Beach. That's right... I took 30 strokes off of my score. I would have shot under a 100 but they counted strokes when I was swinging at mosquitoes the size of horse flies. Anyways, the reason I have gathered here today is to educate you about the town of Welling. So if you ever venture in that direction, you will be prepared. This particular blog could very well save your life one day. I sell things. I’m not the guy that will sell you a lemon and make you like it. I’m the guy that will sale you what you want. Or what you don’t want depending on gas prices. I see myself as more customer service oriented. I’ve never sold cars, however; vacuums, boots, and currently cellular phones. If you live in a county that touches my county, you’ve bought something from me. I sold a vacuum cleaner to a barber shop with tile floors. Scout’s honor.
I worked for a vacuum cleaner company in the summer of 2004. I remember it was summer because the ac in my ’95 Ford Contour didn’t work. To give you a brief history of the Contour: I was previously in a low rider club and it was on air ride. For any of you that don’t know, air ride is for the most part like hydraulics only with air. The Contour… Jeeze, the air hoses leaked, the compressor didn’t work, the valves stuck… By far, adding four air struts to this car was one of the worst financial decisions I have ever made. I digress… So, it’s hot, and I have to go “Demo” a vacuum in Welling, OK.
These demos were set up with a phone call and directions to the house are taken at that time. Needless to say, the directions I was given were incorrect once I got into the town. The town consists of a fire station and a post office that is hidden. Following my directions, I turn left on the 2nd paved road after the Illinois River. Making this left turn I notice that there is a sign on a corner post that says, “Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again.” Doesn’t seem to be a good start to a sale… I follow this paved road for about 4 miles, seeing several signs of my leaving civilization. At the end of the paved road there is a small store named, The General Store. Just past the store, the now dirt road has split, north or south. You remember I have no ac in my car so I thought I’d stop in the store and grab a cool beverage and a pack of gum. As I pull up to the store an old man is out front rocking in his chair. In disgust, the old man gets out of the chair and goes inside as I park. When I walk into the store it looks like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There were no cold beverages. None… The closest thing to a cold beverage was the oldest Yoo-hoo I have ever seen in my life. I’m 27 years old. This bottle of Yoo-hoo was older than 27 years. I googled around and found one that looked like the case I saw that day.

Same with gum…

The amount of dust on both of these products was unimaginable. I made no purchases that day and decided to go on about my business after asking for directions to the location of the demo. The old man behind the counter at the general store told me he had no recollection of anyone by the name I had ever living in the area.
I decided to take a right at the fork and go from there. As I was driving around looking for signs of life, I was also in a no cell service area. I couldn’t get in touch with base and even when I did get reception to call the number I had for the demo wasn’t answering. I was driving relatively slow; no air in the struts, dirt road, etc, and came up upon what looked like at least 1/3 of a tree laying in the road. I’m not real sure a 4X4 truck could have cleared the “limb.” I pulled to a stop and got out to move it. This was a roll your sleeves up job. So I rolled them up and started heaving it over enough to drive around it. I got it moved about 3 feet when I realized that I was moving the limb and what appeared to be a 25’ snake! I ran, ran smooth as fast as I could and jumped in my car window head first, almost Dukes of Hazard style. I ran because after my initial startle, it chased me. It was one of those Blue black racin’ snakes. I don’t care much for snakes, let alone snakes that chase you. With two tires in the ditch, I managed to drive around the tree limb hoping to run over the snake that was long gone by now. Continuing on, still no help from the office, I came across yet another large limb in the road, only this time, the ditch was a pond. I don’t mean it had rained, I mean the road I was on drove over the bank of a pond full of lily pads. The other side of the road was dense in vegetation. Just thickets and shiz right up to the road. There was no way around this. I had to remove the tree limb from the road. My sleeves were still rolled up, that saved a little time right there. This limb was considerably smaller so I was able to herc it into the thickness to the right of the road. Just as I let go I heard, what started very quiet, the most ferocious growl I have ever heard in my entire life. I stood as still as possible, remembering that a T-Rex could only see movement. I was sure that if I made any sudden moves, I would suffer a horrible death. Sure enough, the growling stopped and it was go time. I took a half a step and out of the bushes, with hell fire in its eyes, popped out the beast. When it came at me, I was scared. I peed a little. I ran, ran smooth as fast as I could and jumped in my car window head first, almost Dukes of Hazard style. When I got situated in my car, I looked out the window and the beast was up on the side of my car still carrying on. It was, in fact, the cutest little female dachshund I had ever seen. This little pink collared, 4 pound house pet had my pants wet. I thought about keeping it, seeing as how there was no house in site, but went on my way. Feisty little thing followed barking for about a mile in slow dirt road travel. It stopped when it saw my next obstacle, a cow, a cow just standing in the middle of the road. With again no way around, I had to get the cow to move. The horn didn’t work, so I decided that since my grandfather had cows, I could somehow get the cow to move. I tried the horn for a while. After realizing the cow didn’t have hearing problems because it would look at me after the horn blew, I knew that something else had to be done. I got out; sleeves rolled up, and proceeded to whip the cow’s backside with a stick. This did nothing. I didn’t even make the damned cow mad. I even tried pushing the cow to see if I could get it moving in a direction, nothing. I pulled a patch of sweet elephant grass and tried to tempt it, nothing… I was to the point to where I was just going to run it over, when I sat down and started my car, it just walked on off the road. I was pissed! On the road again. By now I have no clue where I am or, once again, if there is any houses. It’s about 4:30 pm, plenty of sun left on a summer afternoon, and I’m driving down a well lit dirt road when all of a sudden, the road veers wicked left into a canapĂ© of trees. It went from bright daylight to the darkness of night in 3 feet. I turned my headlights on, and was determined to make a sale, until I found the church. In the middle of the darkness, set a lone church. There was a wooden, hand made sign resting out in front of the church with a single ray of sunlight shining upon it. It read, “Church of the First Born” and I’m out… For one, that was creepy. Two, I happened to be the 2nd in my family. I busted a U’ie in the road and headed back the way I came hoping I wasn’t seen by any of these people. On the way back, I saw no cow, no limbs, and no weenie dogs. Somehow, when I made my way back to the General Store, I ended up on the other part of the fork in the road. When I got to the paved road, I hauled ass. Just about 1 mile back on I saw a 90’s model Grand Am on the side of the road with the hood up, the front smash, smoking, with a guy standing out in front scratching his head. I had just gone through some crazy shiz and didn’t wish it on anyone else, so I check my cell service and started slowing down to see if he needed to make a phone call. Just as I approached the car the guy pulls out a Desert Eagle 5.0 and empties the clip into whatever was in the ditch. I spun out. From a 5 mile an hour creep, I accelerated to as fast as my Contour could travel. I didn’t let up until I got back on highway 10 headed into Tahlequah. I will never go back to Welling… Ever…

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Uptown Uptown!

Shoooot, Look at me. 6 followers. That's worth 2 consecutive blogs. I'm listening to some Matchbox Twenty. That's right. Rob Thomas. Is it too much Tuna because its still 2 days away from payday Tuesday? Is that a blog day? What about, Too bad I had to work and I didn't get to blog Tuesdays? I finally slipped on the ice. Just after I told a guy that I hadn't yet. Yeah, God loves me.. I recovered fast like and back flipped my way to soft fresh powder and landed safe and sound like a Mary Lou Retton dismount from '84. It has a lot to do with the dress shoes I was wearing. They have no tread and are split at the toe bend of both soles. I wear them because I could sneak up on an angry squirrel in these shoes. I really need to get back to writing and recording. Its hard to sing in my apartment, because I sing loud. You gotta hit those notes yo. I should just record and not even really worry about writing right now. I have plenty of songs to record. I've got the write block anyways. Its like I've hit a, "I don't give a shit" wall. I need inspiration. When Travis came at me with the rap idea, I had a song ready in 36 hours. Ask him. I need a muse. I don't have anything to write about aside from broken heart shiz and you can only get away with that if you are skinny or have a skinny bass player that hogs all the attention away from the button that popped off your skinny jeans during the lead guitar solo in the 4th song when you were moving your rock star hips a little more than usual. Id write about saving the world, but I think I left my kitchen light on and I don't recycle. That's asking for bad Joo joo. Check out the music at

Monday, December 28, 2009

How does it feel?

So, I've been asked to Produce a rap song for Travy G and his super blog. We've got a Melody, a chorus, and 1 sick ass verse. Imma drop it like its hot, cause I keep it real. Monster Trio is shooting the video. The director and I have some story boards worked up already which really just consists of me dancing in the back groung wearing a lot of diamonds and shiny suits. Not at different times, I plan on having on 5 shiny suits. So for my four peeps, word. You ain't never heard something so absurd. We walking like a herd, we ain't blurred, you're out of focus, Hocus pocus, we bring the locusts, like a plague. You say its vague, I say, hold up, wait.
Stay Tuned.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

OU Texas, Pregame speech.

This is what I’d tell the team if I were giving the pregame speech:

Sam (Bradford), you are the leader. You are a Heisman trophy winner. We will need your leadership. You have to keep your chin up and your head in the game for 4 quarters no matter what.

DeMarco (Murry), you are always one step away from the big play. Just one step away from greatness, let’s make it happen.

Chirs (Brown), Sr., you’ve been doing a good job hitting the holes and running north and south and running hard. Give me two more yards out of each run. Every time!

Matt (Clap), another Sr., get out there and put that defensive end on his ass. Right now, until the end of the game, I want his knees shaking thinking we are running off tackle again.

WR- Guys, Catch and tuck. Catch and tuck. You all have the capability to make great plays, just concentrate. Make the catch; tuck the ball, then go make the magic happen. Keep your head up, play ball, score touchdowns.

Offensive line, Guys, I bet you could move a bulldozer. Get low, get underneath their pads and push them 10 yards down field. Let’s play smash mouth football. Give your QB time to get the ball down field. He’s not just going to hold on to it. We Need 3 more seconds, block them low, get those hands down, something. Let’s blast them off the ball and get them sucking air. Don’t forget to pick up the blitz.

D Line, Contain!! Attack McCoy from the outside. Flush him up into the heart of the defense. Let him take a few shots from our LBs, or our hour hard hitting secondary. Hit him hard. Hit him clean. Create turnovers! English, Beal, Let’s get ‘em!

Linebackers, Reynolds, you have to get this D pumped. I see you as the leader. Get in their heads. Get the D fired up. Make plays. Force 2 and 3 and longs. Don’t forget about those flats. And most importantly, wrap up. Tackle, Tackle, Tackle! Lewis, I want to see you in the end zone today.

DBs, McCoy is just going to throw to Shipley or his tight end. You have a great LB crew in front of you, but don’t be afraid to come up and make a tackle. Play the pass first. Be in the right places. Make them make poor decisions and let’s score points. 2 picks, I need 2, and we win this game.

Special Teams! Field position! I can’t express how important it is going to be today. We have to make big plays. Have to. Let’s stay in our lanes and make good solid tackles.

You are the best, every one of you. The media can say what they want, but you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t the best. We have something to prove today, Sooners, we have to prove that we are better than the 2 points that gave us our two loses. Seniors.., this is the last time you will play at the Cotton Bowl… Most of you freshman here have been thinking about this your entire life. It’s Game Day. It’s Game Time. If you play like I know you can, and leave it all on the field… all I have left is one question, who wants to beat Texas?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Oct. 3

Woo, last week was a doooosie. I got six picks wrong! Upsets er’where! We’ll see about this week.

I’ve got #22 Michigan over Michigan State.
Wisconsin over Minnesota - Minnesota could easily stick it in my butt on this pick.
#4 LSU over #18 Georgia - I mean c’mon… Georgia got beat my OK State!
# 15 Penn State over The Fightin’ Illini of Illinois. - I like Juice Williams but Illinois is not Iowa. I don’t think they can pull of the upset.
UCLA over Stanford- This is a toss up for sure. 3-0 vs. 3-1 unranked teams.
Notre Dame over Washington – If it was at Washington, they might have the mustard.
Arkansas over Texas A&M - This was a tough pick for me, A&M has the better record at 3-0 but they just don’t do it for me. Razorbacks get it done at Jerry's world.
Auburn over Tennessee – Are you kidding me, a SEC team that is 4-0 and not ranked??
USC over Cal – USC slipped up against Washington, and Cal got owned by Oregon, don’t expect for USC to slip against Cal.

#8 Oklahoma over #17 Miami –
Miami's attempt to bounce back after its first loss of the season won't be easy as Oklahoma comes to town. The Sooners have pitched back-to-back shutouts since losing to BYU in their opener. The Hurricanes have a 2-1 edge in Miami, where the teams haven't met since the Canes beat OU for the national title in 1988. If OU’s D line and O line come to play, it’s going to be OU all the way. The offensive line needs to pick up blitzes from a defense a little more talented then their last two opponents. The defensive line needs to put pressure on Jecory Harris, and make big plays. Harris was 9for25 against Va Tech… something to think about.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Every other Saturday, I have to work a 10 hour shift. This happens to be one of those Saturdays, so I won’t be watching the OU, Tulsa game. You can bet I’ll be listening to it on the radio. Once again, OU’s offensive line will be the tell tale. Landry Jones will be under center when Oklahoma hosts Tulsa. The freshman will make his second start after throwing for 286 yards and 3 touchdowns against Idaho State. This one could turn into an offensive show. Tulsa led the nation in total offense the past two seasons, and ranks 10th in points scored this season. I’m going to pick, OU, of course. I think the D and the home crowd will keep Tulsa close to their original line of scrimmage for most of the game. Watch for Tulsa to put a lot of heat on OU’s line backing crew with short passes in the flats and in hook zones.

My picks for this Saturday are as follows:

Texas Tech @ #2 Texas: Mac Brown is going to try and score 99 points to squash the beef from last year. Can you believe he wanted to move OU to the BIG XII north because he was tired of losing? Texas

#8 Cal @ Minnesota: The Bears have one of the best running backs in the country in Best, I see him with 150 yard before the game is out in Minnesota’s new on campus stadium. Can the 2-0 Golden Gophers stay undefeated against a ranked team? Cal

#19 Nebraska @ #13 Virginia Tech: Nebraska has a score to settle, but have the odds against them. With 984 yards total offense in the first to games, Nebraska is going to bring a solid game. The Hokies have not lost a nonconference home game in their past 31 tries. If VT makes to many mistakes, watch for the Huskers to come through with a W.
Virginia Tech.

East Carolina @ #24 North Carolina: Didn’t East Carolina get off to a good start last year? I haven’t seen much of the pirates this year. I wouldn’t mind an upset, but I think I’m going to stick to the rankings on this one. UNC

#23 Georgia @ Arkansas: Suey Pig! Georgia was the team that got beat by Oklahoma State at Oklahoma State. This is a chance for Arkansas to get an early SEC win. Home field advantage and pure moxy give Arkansas the win. Arkansas

Boston College @ Clemson: Boston College has looked pretty good in there first 2 games. Clemson likes to get out to a slow start. The BC D is going to bring the hurt on Clemson. Boston College

#18 Utah @ Oregon: Utah is looking to keep the longest winning streak in college football alive with a win at Oregon. Oregon is 5-0 against ranked teams at home and has won 28 of their last 30 non conference games at home. With all this in mind I cant help but pick the better team. Who like Oregon anyways? Utah

Arizona @ Iowa: I don’t know much about either of the two teams aside from Big 10, Pac 10 and Mike Stoops. Both teams are 2-0, someone has to come away with a victory. Arizona

#17 Cincinnati @ Oregon State: The Beavers have home field advantage against an under rated high powered offense of Cincinnati. The Bearcats have scored 117 points in their first two games. They'll face their first test when they visit Oregon State, which has allowed 28 points in two games. Plus, the Beavers have won 26 straight nonconference home games. I’m picking the upset because of Jacquizz Rodgers. Oregon State

West Virginia @ Auburn: I’d like for SEC to get Beat by Big East school, but I don’t think it will happen. Auburn

NFL picks tomorrow.