Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Welling Wednesday

Blogger world! I shot a 102 at Porter Peach Beach. That's right... I took 30 strokes off of my score. I would have shot under a 100 but they counted strokes when I was swinging at mosquitoes the size of horse flies. Anyways, the reason I have gathered here today is to educate you about the town of Welling. So if you ever venture in that direction, you will be prepared. This particular blog could very well save your life one day. I sell things. I’m not the guy that will sell you a lemon and make you like it. I’m the guy that will sale you what you want. Or what you don’t want depending on gas prices. I see myself as more customer service oriented. I’ve never sold cars, however; vacuums, boots, and currently cellular phones. If you live in a county that touches my county, you’ve bought something from me. I sold a vacuum cleaner to a barber shop with tile floors. Scout’s honor.
I worked for a vacuum cleaner company in the summer of 2004. I remember it was summer because the ac in my ’95 Ford Contour didn’t work. To give you a brief history of the Contour: I was previously in a low rider club and it was on air ride. For any of you that don’t know, air ride is for the most part like hydraulics only with air. The Contour… Jeeze, the air hoses leaked, the compressor didn’t work, the valves stuck… By far, adding four air struts to this car was one of the worst financial decisions I have ever made. I digress… So, it’s hot, and I have to go “Demo” a vacuum in Welling, OK.
These demos were set up with a phone call and directions to the house are taken at that time. Needless to say, the directions I was given were incorrect once I got into the town. The town consists of a fire station and a post office that is hidden. Following my directions, I turn left on the 2nd paved road after the Illinois River. Making this left turn I notice that there is a sign on a corner post that says, “Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again.” Doesn’t seem to be a good start to a sale… I follow this paved road for about 4 miles, seeing several signs of my leaving civilization. At the end of the paved road there is a small store named, The General Store. Just past the store, the now dirt road has split, north or south. You remember I have no ac in my car so I thought I’d stop in the store and grab a cool beverage and a pack of gum. As I pull up to the store an old man is out front rocking in his chair. In disgust, the old man gets out of the chair and goes inside as I park. When I walk into the store it looks like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. There were no cold beverages. None… The closest thing to a cold beverage was the oldest Yoo-hoo I have ever seen in my life. I’m 27 years old. This bottle of Yoo-hoo was older than 27 years. I googled around and found one that looked like the case I saw that day.

Same with gum…

The amount of dust on both of these products was unimaginable. I made no purchases that day and decided to go on about my business after asking for directions to the location of the demo. The old man behind the counter at the general store told me he had no recollection of anyone by the name I had ever living in the area.
I decided to take a right at the fork and go from there. As I was driving around looking for signs of life, I was also in a no cell service area. I couldn’t get in touch with base and even when I did get reception to call the number I had for the demo wasn’t answering. I was driving relatively slow; no air in the struts, dirt road, etc, and came up upon what looked like at least 1/3 of a tree laying in the road. I’m not real sure a 4X4 truck could have cleared the “limb.” I pulled to a stop and got out to move it. This was a role your sleeves up job. So I rolled them up and started heaving it over enough to drive around it. I got it moved about 3 feet when I realized that I was moving the limb and what appeared to be a 25’ snake! I ran, ran smooth as fast as I could and jumped in my car window head first, almost Dukes of Hazard style. I ran because after my initial startle, it chased me. It was one of those Blue black racin’ snakes. I don’t care much for snakes, let alone snakes that chase you. With two tires in the ditch, I managed to drive around the tree limb hoping to run over the snake that was long gone by now. Continuing on, still no help from the office, I came across yet another large limb in the road, only this time, the ditch was a pond. I don’t mean it had rained, I mean the road I was on drove over the bank of a pond full of lily pads. The other side of the road was dense in vegetation. Just thickets and shiz right up to the road. There was no way around this. I had to remove the tree limb from the road. My sleeves were still rolled up, that saved a little time right there. This limb was considerably smaller so I was able to herc it into the thickness to the right of the road. Just as I let go I heard, what started very quiet, the most ferocious growl I have ever heard in my entire life. I stood as still as possible, remembering that a T-Rex could only see movement. I was sure that if I made any sudden moves, I would suffer a horrible death. Sure enough, the growling stopped and it was go time. I took a half a step and out of the bushes, with hell fire in its eyes, popped out the beast. When it came at me, I was scared. I peed a little. I ran, ran smooth as fast as I could and jumped in my car window head first, almost Dukes of Hazard style. When I got situated in my car, I looked out the window and the beast was up on the side of my car still carrying on. It was, in fact, the cutest little female dachshund I had ever seen. This little pink collared, 4 pound house pet had my pants wet. I thought about keeping it, seeing as how there was no house in site, but went on my way. Feisty little thing followed barking for about a mile in slow dirt road travel. It stopped when it saw my next obstacle, a cow, a cow just standing in the middle of the road. With again no way around, I had to get the cow to move. The horn didn’t work, so I decided that since my grandfather had cows, I could somehow get the cow to move. I tried the horn for a while. After realizing the cow didn’t have hearing problems because it would look at me after the horn blew, I knew that something else had to be done. I got out; sleeves rolled up, and proceeded to whip the cow’s backside with a stick. This did nothing. I didn’t even make the damned cow mad. I even tried pushing the cow to see if I could get it moving in a direction, nothing. I pulled a patch of sweet elephant grass and tried to tempt it, nothing… I was to the point to where I was just going to run it over, when I sat down and started my car, it just walked on off the road. I was pissed! On the road again. By now I have no clue where I am or, once again, if there is any houses. It’s about 4:30 pm, plenty of sun left on a summer afternoon, and I’m driving down a well lit dirt road when all of a sudden, the road veers wicked left into a canapĂ© of trees. It went from bright daylight to the darkness of night in 3 feet. I turned my headlights on, and was determined to make a sale, until I found the church. In the middle of the darkness, set a lone church. There was a wooden, hand made sign resting out in front of the church with a single ray of sunlight shining upon it. It read, “Church of the First Born” and I’m out… For one, that was creepy. Two, I happened to be the 2nd in my family. I busted a U’ie in the road and headed back the way I came hoping I wasn’t seen by any of these people. On the way back, I saw no cow, no limbs, and no weenie dogs. Somehow, when I made my way back to the General Store, I ended up on the other part of the fork in the road. When I got to the paved road, I hauled ass. Just about 1 mile back on I saw a 90’s model Grand Am on the side of the road with the hood up, the front smash, smoking, with a guy standing out in front scratching his head. I had just gone through some crazy shiz and didn’t wish it on anyone else, so I check my cell service and started slowing down to see if he needed to make a phone call. Just as I approached the car the guy pulls out a Desert Eagle 5.0 and empties the clip into whatever was in the ditch. I spun out. From a 5 mile an hour creep, I accelerated to as fast as my Contour could travel. I didn’t let up until I got back on highway 10 headed into Tahlequah. I will never go back to Welling… Ever…..


  1. DUDE! I totally don't remember the DEagle part, but by goodness I love this story! It's never gonna get old. Gonna have me up nights.

  2. Man, Funk, you were lucky to get out of there with your life and ass intact. That Mary Jane must have been some strong shit.

    Go Notre Dame!

  3. WHAT?!? Are you sure you didn't fall asleep during an episode of The X-Files and think it was your real life or something? This shiz is crazy. I peed a little just reading it!